


'Cause you're the best paint life ever made

by yuraxchan



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Cis/Trans Male relationship, Homophobia, M/M, Pansexual Character, Trans Male Character, Transgender, Transphobia, identity crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-11
Updated: 2014-09-11
Packaged: 2018-02-17 00:14:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2289911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuraxchan/pseuds/yuraxchan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They had been dancing around each other for more than three months when Chanyeol tried to kiss Sehun for the first time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	'Cause you're the best paint life ever made

**Author's Note:**

> I thought I had posted it here but it turns out I didn't. Oops. Cross-posted on LJ and AFF.  
> I did a lot of researches to write it but there may be some inaccuracies. I hope there's nothing offending *cross fingers* Sorry for the eventuals errors or typos as well.  
> The title is from the song 'U turn' by Aaron.

They had been dancing around each other for more than three months when Chanyeol tried to kiss Sehun for the first time. The younger had always been shy and Chanyeol had known it because they’ve been with the same group of people since the start of the year. It was one of the reasons that prevent him from throwing himself at Sehun - he didn’t want to pressure the younger.

The blond was always looking at the ground and never looked more than a few seconds in other people’s eyes – except Jongin’s maybe, the other ‘shy’ boy in the group.

Since their first meeting Chanyeol had learned a few things about the younger. For example, he wore large T-shirts despite his slim figure, liked painting his nails in black sometimes, always wore a cap or a beany on his head and hid behind his hand when he laughed.

 

 

 

Chanyeol made the first move when they’re gathered together on a Friday night. While the others were fighting over the last slice of pizza, he took Sehun’s wrist delicately in his hand to make him stand. Not seeing Sehun protesting, Chanyeol smiled and led him outside on the small balcony.

He released the younger’s wrist reluctantly, his skin still tingling from the warmth, and inspected Sehun’s face, hoping to catch his gaze, but the younger kept staring at his feet, fumbling with his T-shirt’s sleeve.

Chanyeol cleared his throat, suddenly nervous. "Are you cold?" he asked, concerned. He didn’t want the younger to catch a cold because of him.

"No, I’m fine." Sehun breathed, turning his head to the side. "What is it?"

"Well, we’ve known each other for a while now, and I…like you. A lot. And if I’m not mistaking nor delusional I think you might like me too ? So…I wanted to ask you to go out with me. If…If that’s okay." Chanyeol confessed, biting his lips at the end.

With the lasting silence, Chanyeol began to regret his decision. What if Sehun didn’t like him at all ? What if he had been reading everything wrong since the start ? A sudden wave of doubt and insecurity invaded him, making his chest constrict, the fear of rejection churning his insides. I shouldn’t have eaten too much pizza, he thought.

Maybe he should have waited more. But then again for how long ? He liked the boy and he wanted to be with him. After four months of hitting on him without result, he didn’t have any other choice than to clearly make his feelings known.

"I…I’m not sure…" Sehun began, fidgeting. "I’m not sure it’s a good idea."

"Why not?" Chanyeol burst out, confused.

Sehun took a step back, startled but remained silent. Chanyeol watched him hesitate and frown, visibly troubled. A little recklessly, the older one took this chance to break the distance and cup Sehun’s face in his hands to kiss him gently.

Chanyeol just had the time to look into Sehun’s shocked eyes before he closed his and savored the moment. Should it be the only chance he had to kiss Sehun he had to make the most of it.

They stayed motionless even after Chanyeol had pulled back, staring into each other’s eyes. Chanyeol still had his hands on the younger’s face, preventing him from looking away and breaking the atmosphere. It was the first time Sehun looked him in the eyes longer than for a quick glance and that made Chanyeol happy – sure, it wasn’t by choice but still, it counted.

Finally, they had to separate when Jongin called their names to watch a movie, startling them both. Sehun jumped on the occasion and fled, leaving Chanyeol alone and lost. What now ?

 

 

 

Sehun entered the bedroom wearing only his boxers and a white tank top, yawning cutely. He came to peck Chanyeol on the lips and propped himself on the bed watching him dress.

"We’re going to be late if you don’t hurry," his lover stated.

"I’m tired. Do we really have to meet everyone for lunch? It’s Saturday…I wanted to sleep in." the blond groaned.

"We promised. It’s been a while since we've seen everyone. Come on, don’t be a baby!" Chanyeol teased. He approached the younger and poked his waist. Sehun squirmed and turned on his back, pouting.

Chanyeol smiled at him and gently removed some strands of hair from his face before leaning in to kiss him. Sehun sighed in the kiss and wrapped his arms around his neck, nearly making Chanyeol topple over. The latter bit his lips in revenge and tickled his sides, smirking when the younger screamed.

Chanyeol looked at him with fondness, kissing his jaw and neck. His gaze wandered on his chest and he stared, a thoughtful look on his face. Sehun froze, uncomfortable under the attention. He tried to wriggle out from under his lover but Chanyeol had none of it and took his hand while angling his face to look at him.

"Hey. Look at me. Sehun." he called.

Sehun obeyed despite the guarded expression he wore on his face.

"You know I love you. I love everything about you, every inch of your body. So please don’t look at me like I betrayed you or something because it’s not true and you know it. Just because I look at this part of your body doesn’t mean I don’t like it so don’t assume anything." Chanyeol insisted.

His younger lover lowered his gaze. He felt guilty for doubting Chanyeol even after everything he’s done for him since they started dating but he couldn’t help it.

"Now that I've cleared this out, I have a present for you. Wait." he said, getting up to rummage his closet.

Sehun sat up straight, curious, as he rubbed his arms.

Chanyeol came back with a plastic bag and hold it out to him, smiling. "Open it."

The blond took out the content of the bag and looked at it, speechless. Chanyeol had bought him a white strapless bra, the simplest model.

"I thought you needed something else other than corsets or undershirts. I’m not forcing you to wear it though, it’s up to you but I thought maybe you would like it." his lover explained, anxious.

Sehun stared at the bra with a faraway look on his face and dived into his memories.

 

 

 

When he was younger, little Sehun didn’t know he was different from other people. He had friends, even a little girlfriend in middle school whom he liked a lot and planned to marry. Unfortunately, the happy times soon changed for the worst when he hit puberty.

While he grew in height and stature like any other boys, another part of his body which wasn’t supposed to grow did as well. But it wasn’t something to consider as normal for a boy, a man. Far from it. He always thought of himself as a boy, but his body wasn’t anything like the body of a boy. What could he do ? He didn’t want this body. He was a boy, he acted and lived like one.

Sehun’s parents never said anything to him, they acted as if nothing was wrong with him, and it could be a good thing in a sense but it wasn’t. This silence felt too much like rejection. They were fine with it before, what changed ? Sehun had no one to confide to and spent his adolescence stressing himself out about his appearance, his dissimilarity with his pears. How could he learn to accept himself if others couldn’t ? His own parents couldn’t look him in the eyes anymore and he didn’t understand why. What did he do wrong ?

The more he did researches about his condition, the more he became withdrawn and shy, closing himself to the world.

In class, he could hide with sweaters and large T-shirts. But even then he couldn’t help but have the impression that everyone could see through the layers of his clothes. Each time he went out, he would feel uncomfortable under people’s gazes.

It wasn’t the worst though.

The worst was when he had to change in the locker room to go to PE class. He had to find ways to change before or after the other boys, he never showered with them as well and had to be careful not to touch nor being touched by anyone while playing sports. If someone made contact with his chest they would definitely feel it and he couldn’t let it happen.

 

 

 

Sehun had his first real girlfriend at fifteen. They dated for about one month and kissed a few times but each time his girlfriend wanted to touch him he would react violently.

Then came his first boyfriend at seventeen. They got along well, and Sehun didn’t freak out while kissing and touching him. They stayed together for about six months and ended their relationship when his boyfriend told him he had to concentrate on his studies – Sehun was too much of a distraction for him. The months he spent with the boy were more than great.

The first time he fell in love, it happened to be with the wrong person. Sehun was just beginning to accept himself and thinking others could as well. He understood how wrong he was when he told the boy he loved who he was. In other words, he ended with a broken heart and a very low self-esteem.

But Sehun buried the harsh words and awful memories the boy left him and moved on.

After that, he never trusted anyone with his secret, not even his friends. And it was better that way, he concluded. He went out with a few boys and girls, some in for some meaningless and kinky sex, some by curiosity, to try new things and taste the forbidden.

Then came Chanyeol. And everything was right again.

 

 

 

"Thank you," Sehun breathed, a small smile on his lips.

"What do you think about bras with straps ? Would you like to try it as well ?" Chanyeol asked, cautious.

"Do you want me to crossdress ?" the blond inquired softly, his face unreadable.

Chanyeol panicked and shook his head vigorously. "No no no ! Just…if you wanted. To try. Just for you."

The younger nodded. "If it was anyone else, I wouldn’t but for you I could."

"I don’t want you to crossdress, Sehun. Not for me. You can dress however you like and you want, but not for me, for you." his lover insisted, cupping his face.

Sehun leaned in to kiss him. "I want to. Just the bra."

 

 

 

They came late in the restaurant and only Jongin was sitting at the table. Chanyeol smiled at the younger and sat, pulling Sehun with him.

"I don’t want to know why you’re late." Jongin stated somberly.

Sehun blushed slightly and Chanyeol looked at him innocently. "Not what you think !"

If Jongin saw the straps of the bra on Sehun’s shoulders he didn’t comment on it and Chanyeol was glad. It could be that he had all figured it out for a long time, the younger was one of the most perceptive people he knew after all.

Jongdae appeared with Junmyeon a while after, chatting happily. They smiled at the couple as they sat and Jongdae called out for the others.

They ate and talked with each other, joyful and happy to be gathered together.

 

 

 

The first time they had sex was the most awkward moment ever in Chanyeol’s life. They had _the talk_ only a few days before and Chanyeol was a total wreck. He had been researching stuffs on the internet and thinking about how to act without looking like an inexperienced asshole knowing Sehun trusted him and expected everything to be alright. It should have been easy and simple. But it wasn’t.

When Sehun began to kiss him thoroughly, trailing butterfly kisses on his neck and caressing his chest, he had been responding as much as he could while panicking. The younger had stripped him of his shirt and had begun to unbuckle his belt with skillful fingers when Chanyeol had pushed him away with a hand on his chest.

Sehun was looking at him with confusion written all over his face, frowning a little. "What?"

Chanyeol played with his belt and lowered his gaze, ashamed. "Can we go slower?"

He regretted saying this immediately though, seeing Sehun’s face crumbling. Chanyeol hastily took his hand to keep him close and kissed his lips chastely. "That wasn’t what I meant I’m sorry."

"If you don’t want it, you can tell me you know. I can understand if you’re weird out about…it." Sehun had said calmly.

Chanyeol had cringed at his flat tone, knowing he had hurt him. Again. Being with Sehun was confusing and stressful. It was like walking on a tightrope and not knowing how to put one foot at a time without falling down. "I’m not," he protested faintly. "I just don’t know how to…act, I guess."

Sehun sighed and backed away. "I don’t want you to think about it. Just be yourself."

Chanyeol nodded and kissed him, smiling at him. Being more at ease, he had pushed his lover on the bed and undressed him carefully.

The experience had been awful, Chanyeol had been clumsy throughout the night and neither of them really took pleasure in the end but Sehun was happy. Chanyeol had tried. He had been looking at Sehun with so much love and care but most importantly he had not once looked away from his body. He hadn’t been ashamed or uncomfortable at all.

Sehun smiled.

 

 

 

The younger avoided Chanyeol for one week after his confession and their kiss. Their friends didn’t get involved and just made sure neither would be left alone while being all gathered together. Finally, Chanyeol succeeded in cornering him at some point.

"Look, I don’t want us to be awkward with each other, so if you don’t want to go out with me just tell me." he said, frustrated.

Sehun looked at him, shocked by his harsh tone. Chanyeol wasn’t someone who would get mad easily, he must have been really pissed for a while now, Sehun observed.

"I…It’s not that." he replied.

Chanyeol softened at that and sighed. "What is it then?"

The younger looked around to make sure no one was here and got closer. "Look," he mumbled before lifting his shirt.

Chanyeol looked at his face dumbly. "What-"

"Look," Sehun insisted before closing his eyes and counting in his head.

When no words came from the other boy he opened them one by one. Chanyeol was staring at his chest, looking lost in his thoughts.

"Aren’t you going to say anything?" The younger asked quietly, releasing the fabric.

"What do you want me to say?" Chanyeol responded, perplexed.

Sehun bit his lips. "I don’t know."

"Because there’s nothing to say. It doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t make me like you less you know." Chanyeol teased, pinching his cheek.

"Don’t you find it gross…?" Sehun mumbled, embarrassed.

Chanyeol smiled and brushed his locks out of his face before crouching a little to look into his eyes. "Not at all." He kissed Sehun’s cheek then shuffled back inside with the others leaving the younger alone and pensive.

**Author's Note:**

> • Sehun has a female body but sees himself as a boy. He is a boy. It's very very important. Do not call a transmale a girl or a transwoman a boy.  
> • Sehun is gay, because he is a boy and likes boys. Yes he dated a girl when he was younger but it was to imitate other boys.  
> • He didn't undergo any surgery, his body is still very female.  
> • Chanyeol isn't straight, I know it's confusing but he's ~~gay~~ pansexual.
> 
> If you have any question, I'll try to answer them as best as I can. Thank you for reading.


End file.
